Sunday, December 21, 2008
A TCC's account of the holiday season
As the Christmas and New Year season draws near, I often find myself feeling like Scrooge. You know, the grumpy old fellow who hates Christmas...
In my defense: I don't hate Christmas - I just don't attach any particular importance to it. I'll get Christmas presents for those who care, and certainly don't question the desire to be with one's family. I only wish to be left in peace to have my own non-sentiments towards the day.
But well, before I'm accused of being a bit of a "Bah - humbug" - er, I'd like to first of all analyse the season, or 'special occasions' in general, and investigate why these things are more important to some people than to others.
Let's illustrate this with a personal example:
Mikko was getting very depressed here in Bangkok... I could literally see his level of moodiness and irritability steadily increase from November when the Christmas carols and decorations started appearing in department stores. He didn't really want to admit it to me, but he really missed his family a lot.
So 6 days before Christmas, as he again started leaking tears at a department store, I set out to convince him that he needed to go to Finland, visit his family. Of course, he refused, said that I am his family, and he should stay with me, etc., etc. He said he'd feel wrong deserting me at Christmas, even as the tears rolled down his cheeks and I could see where he really wanted to be. I gently reminded him that I don't really celebrate Christmas. This argument went on until the middle of the night, when I was finally so fed up at this obstinate indecision that I was going to buy the ticket for him myself. He begged me to let him think, and so I did, and woke up in a terrible mood the next day. I started feeling a lot better when he finally talked to his sister about it in the afternoon. By the evening, as we were having a massage, his dad had called and said his mother was in quite a state of melancholy, too, at the prospect of a Christmas without her son.
So it was decided. Mikko was going to Finland, and his dad was paying for the ticket as a present for the whole family.
But what interests me most is WHY Christmas? What's so special about it? What is so distinct about this particular date on the calendar that spending a day with family on any other day isn't good enough?
Ok, so we've all heard the season of giving, family, etc., arguments. But that doesn't answer the last question. Why is it that many people in Western countries can spend an entire year ignoring their family, but somehow, Christmas is a time that they have to be reunited? Why can't family reunions take place on any other day of the year?
But this may be a question that has been treated by many frustrated non-Christmas-spirited people. My real thesis here was my defense of the Christmas-scrooge.
My family is half Finnish - so by default, I feel some sort of obligation to recognise the event. And yet, I'm impervious to the sentimentality of the holiday, even as I make a concrete effort to wish everyone the best for the season.
I wonder if it has anything to do with being a Third Culture Kid. Three and a half years ago, I took part in a study by Kathleen Gilbert of Indiana University on the topic of loss and grief in TCKs. Of course, this doesn't relate directly to the holiday season as such. However, one factor which she identified as a commonality in TCKs was the apparent inability to attach themselves to things as they grow older. Another is a detachment from things that can be lost, resulting in an inability also to fully integrate into any given culture. This all is linked to untreated loss and grief during the process of growing up, leading to a characteristic known as 'disenfranchised grief'.
I get the feeling that this is seen as a problem by psychologists. Although I don't understand why. Getting back to my example of Christmas. I'm generally happy every day. I don't get depressed if special occasions are not given due recognition (for example, I spent my birthday a few days ago running errands and discussing the terms of my new job at Bangkok Post and just trying to convince Mikko to go to Finland for Christmas). I'm not sad or depressed, and the world does not get me down. I don't miss countries or people to the point of misery. I live in the moment and don't let inevitables get in the way of enjoying my day. Can anyone tell me why this is seen as a bad thing?
fon @ 10:27 PM link to post * *