Friday, October 28, 2016
The do-gooder's guide to the doing-good galaxy.
My job involves me working with a lot of people - volunteers - who come in for an interview and tell me about themselves. I love this aspect of my job. I love to hear people's stories. And I really love to hear about what motivates people to spend their free time volunteering. One day, if I write a book, I'll be able to tell you a lot about what motivates people to do what they perceive to be good deeds.
I stress the what they perecive to be good because it is crucial, for even the do-gooder, to make a few choices.
One important thing we do when interviewing volunteers is try to get some insight as to where their comfort zone is. Where would they like to direct their positive energy? Who is it, exactly, that they would like to help? We do just simply ask, but it is a trickier thing to discern than one would expect.
You see, most people claim to be totally open-minded. It seems to come with the territory of being a person who wants to help those who are 'worse-off' than they are. It goes with the do-gooder's self-image. To some extent, most of us have been raised with a notion that there are people who are socially worse off. Those people at society's margins, we are told, are the people who we should always remember when we count our blessings. 'They' are less fortunate. 'They' are to be pitied. 'They' are there somewhere, and we personally know very few of them. It is, however, the idea that they are in some way or another, a less fortunate version of ourselves that makes it imperative that we are also extremely open-minded towards them.
Herein lies the dilemma. We have a foggy notion of who 'they' are, and we are, indeed, totally open-minded and non-judgmental towards 'them'. It's when 'they' - those who are worse off - are not at all who we think they are, and yet we are asked to help them, that we suddenly get an urge to define who is in need of help, and who is not.
And who are these marginalized masses? We've all been told different things:
'Some people were not so lucky to have been born in a democratic country.'
'Some people have no friends.'
'Some people don't have parents'
'Some people don't have food.'
'Some people are not entitled to social welfare.'
'Some people can't get an education.'
...can't afford to buy new clothes
...can't afford a house
...live in places where they have no rights
...have drug addicts for parents
...don't have a job
...haven't been taught the rules
The list is endless.
Many of these things are objectively true, and help us in helping our children form a worldview. My own kid took part in a Unicef walk recently. In explaining what the walk was for, we explained that it was to raise money because some children do not go to school in good conditions. For example, not all schools have enough teachers. Some schools do not have conditions that are safe for children.
Did I say this notion of the socially marginalized was foggy? Yes - but it's more like the fog at Point Reyes. Foggy, yes, but more or less a permanent fixture. And that's because it is instilled in us at such an early age that it is difficult to question it any more. Thus, challenging those notions of who is deserving of help can often be a direct assault on a person's identity.
Then there are the people who are 'those people', who also feel that they can contribute. And indeed, they should! There is plenty of research that shows the 'monkey-see-monkey-do' principle is correct. We are more likely to copy people who we see as similar to us, and to listen to the advice of people who have similar experiences to our own.
And these people also own a definition of what it means to be 'marginalized'. Some claim such a strong ownership over their marginalization that it is difficult to see how others could also be experiencing difficulties. And some still have a very strong notion of who is not marginalized, of who is living the ideal life which they themselves can never hope (and definitely don't want to) obtain! I think, that to a certain extent, we've all been exposed to that from an early age, too.
'I wouldn't want to be famous - I would always be exposed to the paparazzi'
'I don't think I'd know what to do with 10 million dollars... would I just become greedy if I won the lottery?'
or even simply 'They are married, have two kids, a house, a car, a dog.'
We are blind to the suffering of those we see as having some aspect of an ideal life that we ourselves would like to achieve. After I had given birth, a friend who very much wanted a child once said to me: 'I was angry at you for being sad, because you have a child, and you go visit your family in Thailand once a year. I didn't think of it from your perspective. You are lonely because you are at home with no adult company and you miss your family in Thailand the 11 months you are in Finland.'
My friend was exceptional in her ability to see the other side. Most often, people simply reject the other's suffering - 'I don't think they really have any problems' is a frequently heard phrase, and its more self-effacing twin 'I don't think I am able to offer them anything.' No problem, we'll chat about it and perhaps you'll see the other side, or perhaps you'd rather direct your energy elsewhere!
Or, conversely, some people are able to feel, all to well, the pain of others, and feel guilty about not being able to do enough to help. Sometimes, one does have to choose, and sometimes one gets defensive about their choice of who to help.
My message is simple: There is no need to rank the suffering of others, or to feel guilty for not helping everyone who reaches out a hand. If you don't know which 'good thing' you'd like to do just know that it's OK to do just one good thing. If you volunteer at a shelter for homeless cats, it's fine to let someone else buy the Big Issue from the homeless person. If you take a lonely granny out for a walk after work, let someone else play with the child who's been taken into custody. When 'doing good' just like with everything else in life, make sure your heart is in it, and don't spread yourself out too thin.
Luckily, we've all been taught slightly different things about what kinds of causes deserve our attention, so I honestly do believe that there is a champion out there for everyone who needs a hand.
fon @ 2:47 AM link to post * *