Sunday, April 26, 2009
Myths and theories about motherhood
My thoughts so far: None. The most common question I am asked nowadays is: "What's it like being a parent?"
I've been told several things - that having a child is a huge event that suddenly changes your life from day to night. I haven't actually noticed much of a difference. I'd say I've got a new, time-consuming hobby... but my life, changed? Nah. I think I'll have to agree with the quote below:
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." ~Marcelene Cox
Some say they have less time. True. But it's not that drastic - after all, anyone who has noticed my facebook activity has probably noticed that if anything, I spend more time procrastinating than ever. I just have to learn to make use of all the 5-15 free minutes I have more constructively. I actually have hours of free-time a day... just not consecutive ones, that's all!
"Now the thing about having a baby - and I can't be the first person to have noticed this - is that thereafter you have it." ~Jean Kerr
Again, I'd like to reiterate that in my experience, there hasn't been fireworks, no sudden explosion of maternal instinct. I think being a parent grows on you, it's a learning process and whoever thinks that motherhood is somehow instinctive has been brainwashed by propaganda designed to keep men and women in their traditional roles. At best, the mother has more of a chance to learn, since babies spend so much time eating!
"Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories." ~John Wilmot
"In spite of the six thousand manuals on child raising in the bookstores, child raising is still a dark continent and no one really knows anything. You just need a lot of love and luck - and, of course, courage." ~Bill Cosby, Fatherhood, 1986
Mikko and I have been bombarded with books and theories on childrearing. I guess that's a problem all parents face. And I think at the end of the day, the baby is my baby, not Gina Ford's or Miriam Stoppard's or Dr. Sear's or any other famous baby manual writers. Anything that can be reliably put down in those books can probably be just as easily figured out by the parents. I think the only thing I learned from reading those books is that there is nothing that you 'should' objectively do. There are only things that you do because you are you, and sooner or later, things will fall into place. You're three people who will learn to adapt to each other.
"Most of us become parents long before we have stopped being children." ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
A close friend of mine once told me he thought having children might just be what he needs to become a responsible adult. At the time, I thought that with that attitude, he definitely shouldn't have kids. Surely, one should be responsible first, then have kids? If only I know how amazingly indoctrinated I was. I know somehow believe that maybe the one thing that stops a person from behaving like a kid is having them. And on the other hand, it also makes them act even more like kids. For example, just 2 months ago, I wouldn't have imagined not doing what I wanted when I wanted it. Now I still do what I want when I want, but I just don't want to do things like go to the movies or clubbing anymore. I suddenly want to sing silly kids songs and lullabies and make 'pfffrrrrr' sounds through my lips, which makes me act more like a kid than before.
So anyhow, I didn't notice any grand revalations - I was happy before, and I am happy now :) If I start being miserable, then I'll say that having a baby has changed my life... but until then...
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