Friday, April 17, 2015
Couchsurfing - That sense of goodbye.
My life has mostly been about goodbyes. That'll happen when one hasn't lived anywhere longer than four years at a time. Ever. Maybe 4 and a half. I'm at the verge of something huge now. I am about to do a completely new thing. Namely, if I don't leave Finland by Autumn, it will be the longest time I have ever lived in one place. Nothing will change. And it will be the biggest change in my life.
Although this post is ostensibly about couchsurfing, I suppose what it really is about is finding that elusive sense of home.
See, this big change in my life has brought a lot of anxiety with it, on top of my general anxiety about living in Finland. And my response, without me realizing it, has been to start searching for that familiar sense of 'goodbye'. Thus, the sudden deluge of couchsurfers.
One may argue that what I am really doing is meeting new people - people from around the world - because that's what I'm used to, growing up as an international school kid. But I can meet new people in Finland every day, which is why I say what I am looking for is goodbye.
It is essentially disconcerting for me to wake up and find that nothing drastic has changed. That is something many have difficulty understanding. Many people associate home with a place. I have never had that opportunity. I used to think it was about specific people. My parents, perhaps? But then, they were not ever really a constant in my life. When I had kids and started seeing them more often is when I realized how little at home I felt around them. No, home for me is not even a certain set of people. It is about a state of catharsis. I love you. Goodbye.
But one thing is missing. My own family.
Let's rewind a little bit. Mikko is the first person in my life that questioned the one thing I had never questioned. I used to take pride in the fact that I had been left alone in an unfamiliar country at the age of 14. I had been told it was normal. I didn't question it. Not for a moment. He is what set the ball rolling, and allowed me to look into myself, and find out who I am, and not who I had been told I was. In other words, I finally got to be a teenager ten years after I should have been.
And that's why Mikko became my most important family. He gave me the opportunity to grow into myself, and he loved me for who I became, not who he thought I should be. He is always on my side. By my side. And that is how I want to be with my own kids.
That said, I can't change what I've grown into: a person in need of constant and grand flux. Having people in and out has made me feel more at home. It is also what has inspired this introspection. It has made me examine my sense of family. Thanks for the past couple of months, couchsurfers. I provided you with a bed, but you did so much more for me.
Labels: couchsurfing, goodbye, home, TCK
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