Tuesday, April 28, 2015
SAY SORRY NOW - The pain of forced apologies
A friend recently reposted a blog post (http://www.cuppacocoa.com/a-better-way-to-say-sorry/) about teaching kids to say sorry and mean it, and not forcing them to angrily spit it out. The lesson involved making them understand what they did wrong, and why they shouldn't do it again, and not simply forcing them to "SAY SORRY NOW".
Funny how I get angry just thinking about the topic. The topic of forced apologies awakens a sense of powerless rage every time.
My life's conversations on pain have more or less looked like this:
Me: That experience hurt me.
- Nobody else would have been hurt by it.
Me: How can you know? I was hurt by it.
- But it was a perfectly normal experience.
Me: I haven't heard of anyone else with the same experience.
- IT WAS NORMAL
Me: NOT FOR ME
- FINE!!! SORRY!!
Later,
Me: I still feel like the issue is unresolved
- I SAID SORRY!! You are being unreasonable! You should just forgive me already!
In the end, I was always unreasonable for feeling wronged.
I don't want anyone's angry apology. It makes me feel ten times worse than when we started, and like I never want to tell you how I feel. Ever again.
No apology at all is always better than a forced one. No resolution is better than a fake resolution - a lie.
Part of saying sorry is also actually admitting you did something wrong. For some people, that isn't a strong point. Maybe most, even, would rather look for the reason they were right after all, rather than owning one's mistakes, and finding a constructive way to move on.
The article my friend reposted was on children. So what do you do when you are adults, and you are still trying to find resolution, and no amount of discussion will get you that apology you know you deserve, because you know you were wronged? Not that oh-so-familiar angry, forced apology. But that sincere one you just need to hear in order to move on?
fon @ 1:54 PM link to post * *