A few years ago I put on a huge suit of armour & I started lashing out from inside my hard case every time I had a chance. I've said & done some stupid $#*¡ cos I have been alone & convinced nobody is listening, anyhow.
The past few years have been a mire of guilt over anger, anger over guilt, guilt over being a terrible failure in life, guilt for getting angry, anger at not being able to stand up for myself, anger at feeling so terribly lonely, and finally, complete helplessness because I couldn't stand up for myself. And oh - the panic attacks that left me shuddering on the floor every time certain topics of discussion came up with certain people.
But in helplessness there is hope. In my firm belief that almost everyone was against me, I asked for help from a professional (or two). It took a couple years, but at the end of it all, I realised one important thing: Heavy armor may protect you from blows, but it also prevents you from moving forward.
It took a few years, and I made a choice I was sure I would receive plenty of criticism for. I decided to leave the armor & dodge the blows instead.
In other words I learned to put my foot down. I have learned that it doesn't matter if there are people who think I am worthless. I can choose not to listen to them. I learned that people can be unhappy about my decisions, but that I don't have to pander to anyone.
I learned that I don't have to indefinitely stay out of my comfort zone so that others could stay comfortably in theirs. And yes, it was met with lots of criticism.
But... leaving all that armor behind has also made it possible for someone to ask me how I am, and what's going on in my life. Not possible when you are surrounded by a fortress.
Small-talk, right? But in the right context, that is the most profound question a person can ever ask you.
Thank-you for asking. Thank-you for listening. I feel much less alone.
Labels: caring, closure, psychology, self-esteem, thanks
fon @ 11:54 AM link to post * *