A question has been plaguing me ever since I started posting updates about Mikko's journey with depression. I've been wondering when somebody will tell me to stop, because of this lingering idea that mental health issues are something to be ashamed of. But nobody has, which is nothing short of amazing. The world is changing.

Also, I get this odd feeling that many people think that somehow, the depression has taken away his agency - that he isn't consensual in any of this. There are people I know who are vocal about the topic of mental health, especially their own. I tip my hat to them. That takes a LOT of courage. Not everyone has that courage, or the energy, though, and that is why it is important for the near and dear to take a stand: "Hiding the problem won’t make it go away. Don’t be an enabler. It doesn’t help anyone involved if you are making excuses, covering up the problem, or lying for a friend or family member who is depressed. In fact, this may keep the depressed person from seeking treatment." (Click on the quote for the source article)

The fact that there is this whiff of lingering social taboo, and that people feel that they need to hide their mental illness contributes to the shame. One person presented the argument that 'There is no need to air one's health issues on social media'. Well, no... but I do suppose that if you have a broken leg, you'll get a lot of sympathy just by being. That is, however, not the case for people with mental illnesses. It is invisible unless made visible. And since, more often than not, what a person with mental illnesses of any sort needs is community, love, understanding, and emotional support, how can it possibly be good to hide mental illness when it occurs?

Over the past few years (yes, this has been an ongoing struggle), I have read up in varying amounts on depression, OCD, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, hypochondria, narcissism, etc. Mikko doesn't have all of those, mind you - but he often jokes that one has to be 'a nutter of some sort' to join my circle of friends. A few years ago, we were still wondering why on Earth he hadn't been diagnosed with anything yet! Hmmm....

Anyhow, point is, a few posts have stuck to my mind, that are applicable in this case, especially:

Ten Things You Need To Know To Overcome OCD: This is a well-summarized article about what OCD is, and written for the person with OCD. But it also helped me understand and process a lot of things I had noticed myself, and confirm that my own instincts on how to act around the OCD were not far off the mark.

Living With A Black Dog: This is a good summary of what a lot of articles write, in video format. If you don't watch or read anything else, watch this. It gives you (who have little experience with mental illness and depression) a few good pointers on what definitely IS NOT HELPFUL.

"You should exercise every day!"

"Just tell him to be positive."

"It's just a matter of deciding to be happy!"

It is true that exercise helps. It is true that 'just thinking positive' would be great. And while somebody might be able to decide to be positive, it doesn't mean that everyone can do that. If we had two cents for every time somebody, well, gave their two cents worth (har har), then we'd be able to fund a family trip to Disneyland by now. Mikko runs and goes to the gym daily. And thinking positive is something that comes naturally to some people but not to others - and that is in the context of being healthy. What people have trouble understanding is that depression is a disease. It is not the same thing as feeling down because of a bump in the road of life. One cannot just wake up one day and cure it by thinking positively and going to the gym.

Rat Park: "What if the difference between not being addicted and being addicted, is the difference between seeing the world as your park, and seeing the world as your cage?" This is an interesting series of studies on heroine and morphine addiction, and suggests that drug addiction is fueled by isolation and lack of community, and not so simply by the drugs themselves. While we are not currently addicted to any drugs around here, I think the important observation in these experiments is that the rats that were in a social and stimulating environment (The "Rat Park") had decreased addictive behavior, whilst those that were kept in solitary confinement were inclined to consume more drugs. While the experiment was done on rats, humans are arguable just as social, and it makes perfect sense that humans that feel caged in and isolated are prone to destructive and escapist behaviors, such as drug addiction and suicide.

Anyhow, back to the main point. Yes, we are being vocal about this. WE. We did talk about this with Mikko, and he said he was happy that I am sharing this experience, because it decreases the shame and taboo surrounding the topic. Even though things have taken a turn for the worse at the moment, Mikko has been happy for all the support. I can't speak for him at this very moment, obviously, but we have agreed that it is important that this is discussed.

I am also happy for all the support sharing brings. There are so many people around with their own stories of how their father, their mother, their siblings, their husband, are depressed and/or have tried to commit or have succeeded to commit suicide. It is a horrible and harrowing journey, and it is nothing to be ashamed of, for anyone. Luckily, we are 'only' at depressed.

I would go crazy if I honestly thought only my closet is listening. And being in Finland, I don't have a lot of avenues to get out all these thoughts racing through my head. And it doesn't matter how well I understand and speak Finnish, as I keep getting told. Thoughts simply do not race around in my head in Finnish, and my emotions simply do not come out in Finnish, technical knowledge aside. So writing about this is a life-saver for me.

But no, I won't post pics of the machinery Mikko is currently attached to, the meds keeping him asleep, or the food he is being fed through a drip. I am glad I took pictures, though, because that is exactly what the kids asked about.

"Why isn't he waking up?"

"But how does he eat?"

That's another thing we discussed with Mikko, by the way: The kids know he is sick, and they have been told on a level they understand, and in a way that makes mental illness is totally comparable to any other disease. So they know that when daddy is sleeping, it's because he is sick and he needs rest. I'm glad it's worked out this way, because the fact that we've been very open about this means this isn't even as weird or shocking for the kids as it could be!